This list includes my current top 10 favourite comics. Please keep in mind that in choosing which comics to include, I used a very subjective method known as my own personal opinion. I don't care if you don't agree. Do not write shit in the comments section about how wrong my choices were and how angry and hurt you feel or threaten to kill yourself if the list isn't changed, as I have done on other lists. You are not beautiful enough to get away with crazy.
I love these comics based equally on their material and delivery. To me, success in comedy would be to one day (dare I even say it) be nearly as good as any of them. That is my goal as a comic - to be really funny. Not to be rich or famous, but to be an amazing comic. While fame and money are excellent goals and can be achieved with no talent in comedy (see: Dane Cook), I would not consider myself successful unless I was truly funny. I would consider myself a douchebag.
Comedy quotes:
One time, I was trying to get on a plane. They wouldn’t let me. They said I was too drunk to get on a plane. You know how wasted you have to be for someone to say, “Sir, you’re just too drunk to sit in a seat.”
There was this guy recently who sued his landlord because he said scalding water from the shower burned his genitals. That's a hell of a way to test the water, huh?
I didn’t think I was older until I went into an Abercrombie & Fitch and they looked at me like I was walking through a playground with my cock in my hand.
Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?
This one homeless guy came up to me the other day, and he was asking me for money. I was about to give it to him, and then I thought, 'He's just gonna use it on drugs or alcohol.' And then I thought, 'That's what I'm gonna use it on. Who am I to judge the guy, really?'
People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.
2. Doug Stanhope
Comedy quotes:
If God had intended women to prostitute themselves, he would have given them a free will and a vagina.
I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.
Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
[On suicide]: Life is like a movie, if you’ve sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, chances are it’s not gonna get great right at the very end and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early.
Comedy quotes:
Sexual harassment! What is sexual harassment?! What's the difference between sexual harassment and just being an idiot? I mean, if my father didn't harass my mother, I wouldn't be here! I mean, I understand some sexual harassment.. if a man is your boss and says, "Hey, sleep with me, or you're fired." That's sexual harassment. And that's the only thing that's sexual harassment! Everything else falls under "Just trying to get laid." You can't put a man in jail for that! I don't care how hard he tries, that's all he was trying to do! Anita Hill started this whole thing. It's all about looks, you know? Because if Clarence Thomas looked like Denzel Washington, this would have never happened! She'd be all, "Oh, stop it, Clarence, you nasty! Your fine self!" So, what's sexual harassment, when an ugly man wants some? "Oh, he ugly! Call the police! Call the authority!"
What does daddy get for his hard work? The big piece of chicken at dinner! My mamma would kill us if one of us ate the big piece of chicken by accident! [Pretending to be his mamma]: What the... you ate the big piece of chicken! Oh, lord no! Now I gotta sew up some chicken! Give me two wings and a porkchop; Daddy won't know the difference!
Everybody is talking about gun control. Got to control the guns. Fuck, that, I like guns. If you've got a gun, you don't need to work out! Cause, I ain't working out. I ain't jogging. No, I think we need some bullet control. I think every bullet should cost five thousand dollars. Five thousand dollars for a bullet. Know why? Cos if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, there'd be no more innocent by-standers. That'd be it. Some guy'd be shot you'd be all 'Damn, he must've done something, he's got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass!' And people'd think before they shot someone 'Man I will blow your fucking head off, if I could afford it. I'm gonna get me a second job, start saving up, and you a dead man. You'd better hope I don't get no bullets on lay-away!' And even if you get shot you wouldn't need to go to the emergency room. Whoever shot you'd take their bullet back. 'I believe you got my property?'
[On Michael Jackson]: Get out here, you nutty nigga, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Did you see Michael going to court? Motherfucker going to court 20 minutes late! What kind of black man gonna go to court 20 minutes late? This ain't Barbershop 2. This is court motherfucker. And he ain't even wearing a real suit to court. Coming in there looking like Captain Crunch. Shit, who's your lawyer, Franken Berry? You better take your black ass to Banana Republic to get you a decent suit. What is up with that boy?
4. Bill Hicks
They lie about marijuana: 'Marijuana makes you unmotivated.' Lie. When you're high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it's not worth the fucking effort. There's a difference.
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.
My dad will say" "I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God." And I say no, it's not, Dad. "Well, I believe that it is." Well, you know, some people believe they're Napoleon. That's fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don't share them like they're the truth.
I'm not a girl, I'm a guy you know? But at the same time, I tell ya how you can solve this abortion issue right now. Ready? Those unwanted babies that single moms leave in alleys and in dumpsters? Leave about 12 of those on the steps of The Supreme Court. This is over. Like that. "You guys said we had to have them? Then you guys...FUCKING RAISE 'EM." "Raise 'em then, you fucking fucking raise 'em. YOU raise 'em. You said I had to have it? Then it's yours. Fuck. It's yours..Take it
I am available for children's parties, by the way.
5. Louis CK
His advice to aspiring comics:
It's a long, long, long haul, and you just have to be onstage all the time and there's no shortcuts, except failing and failing and failing and learning from failure and not letting it get you down. And you're probably not going to make it. But you have to do it, despite that peril.
Comedy quotes:The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.
A man will rip off your arm and throw it into a river, but he will leave you as a human being intact. He won't mess with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will shit inside of your heart.
I did that on a date once -- I was wearing a bathing suit under my pants because I didn't do laundry. She wouldn't have known except for I had that white string flapping outside of my fly. She was like, 'What do you have -- a tampon in there? What the hell's wrong with you?'
I don't know if you've ever had only five dollars in the bank, but guess what -- you can't get it out. You can't. You can visit your five dollars, you can call it on the phone, but you can't get it out.
Nobody ever wins an argument. Nobody ever goes, 'Oh, I'm wrong.' Somebody eventually just goes, 'Shut up. We gotta eat, so let's shut up for minute.'
6. Mitch Hedberg
Comedy quotes:
I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Fuck it, cut em up!"
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it
Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
7. Maria Bamford
Comedy quotes:
Sometimes I still get a little homesick. And that's when I like to put on my Led Zeppelin CD, plug in my curling iron and just get full-on, balls-to-the-wall pretty.Nobody's ever offered me money to have sex. Sure -- a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash.
I'm afraid that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.
Thinking about having kids, got the names picked out. They're gonna be Donut and The Golden Hen. I know what you're saying, 'How do you know they're gonna be girls?' But a mother knows.
I used to be afraid of relationships. Someone would ask me out and I'd say, 'Just take my purse, don't hurt me!'
My sister's a doctor; she's super successful.... She's a pathologist, though I like to introduce her as 'This is my sister Sarah. She cuts up the dead into chunks.
8. Daniel Tosh
Comedy quotes:
If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time -- it's how I know I still have one.
If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
Don't you love it when people in school are like, 'I'm a bad test taker.' You mean you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? I can totally relate see, because I'm a brilliant painter minus my god awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here but once paint hits canvas I develop Parkinson's.
Big can be beautiful -- just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
9. Jeff Foxworthy
Comedy quotes:
My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.
I believe the only thing worse than having diarrhea is trying to have it quietly in a public bathroom.
10. John Oliver
I'm really white. I'm English white, that's basically turbo white. My skin is borderline translucent. If I'm standing, and the sun is behind me, I'm a functioning x-ray.
Everyone has seen their dad's penis. Yes, you have. Don't do this to me, New York. Yes, you have. Yes, you have. You have seen your dad's penis. Oh, right. Raise your hands if you've seen your dad's penis. You are fucking lying to me! How am I, as a British person, the least repressed human being in this room?!
Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.
Six months ago, in Saudi Arabia, a suicide bomber managed to get close to a Saudi prince. And he did this by hiding a bomb inside him; he managed to get explosives and a detonator inside his anus. And he detonated that bomb, killing nobody -- apart from himself -- a lot. When I first heard that story, my instinctive reaction was, that is definitely the world's greatest missed opportunity for a pull my finger joke.
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