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Hey! Welcome to my blog. If you're a first-time reader, this blog has been following my experiences as an amateur stand-up comic. The blog makes most sense to read from the very beginning, so read from the first post on. Thanks for taking time to check out Learning to Stand xo

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Please Let Me Explain...

Learning to Stand Headquarters has been getting truckloads of mail from fans all over the world wondering what happened to Chrissie Cunningham. Well rest assured, I am alive and well. I am sorry for the lack of posting this summer. Allow me to explain:

Around the time of my last post, I had started to realize that my amateur comedy journey was going to be a longer than I had expected. My extreme naivete is constantly being further exposed to me with every passing gig. I shock even myself. I thought I would start getting paid within a few months, but aside from some free drinks and $50 I won a few months ago in a competition, I haven't been able to make a living off the stand up. In fact, I have to spend at least $20 anytime I perform anywhere (gas and food expenses). 

In June it had started to become apparent to me that I needed to make more than I was making cleaning rooms at the hotel. So I went crawling back to law. I have withdrawn from the licensing process and I still have no desire to be a lawyer, but I have re-evaluated my initial approach to a day job. When I was starting out in February, I thought a cleaning job would be great because it was a job I could leave at the end of the day and not take home with me.  Law on the other hand, demands a lot of time and the pressure to do a good job doesn't stay at the office. While I was able to go in to the hotel, clean and leave and go home to day dream about comedy - the job also left me physically exhausted at the end of the day (shut up, cleaning is tough!) I wasn't going home and writing as I had anticipated. I was going home and taking Epsom salt baths and 4 hour naps. 

So around the time of my last post, a firm I had interviewed with a few months before giving up law to pursue comedy (genius move still, I haven't once regretted my decision), contacted me and offered me a summer research position. Since June I have been working as a legal research assistant to two of the partners who are writing a book.  I actually love the job. After working in the hotel, it has been great to be back in an office job using my education. I never thought I'd feel this way. My brief hiatus from law was good for me. It made me realize that while I don't want to do this forever, I want to do this now as my day job. I thought comedy and law had to be mutually exclusive alternatives in my life. The first month at the office was hectic for me and I felt like I was shaking cob webs from my brain. Now I am comfortable again with the language of statutes and cases and I am much more efficient in my research. I am paid for 40-hour work weeks, but I was putting in 60-70 hours per week to compensate for my seemingly leisurely pace I was taking to research tasks. I didn't want my bosses to think they had hired an idiot so I would leave the office and work all night at home to meet deadlines I had set for myself according to what I thought seemed reasonable for a competent employee. This left no time for comedy. But I knew I needed to put comedy on hold and get my life in order so I can eventually balance a day job and comedy.  In the last couple of weeks, I feel like I have achieved that balance.  

My job with the firm is a summer contract which is up at the end of June. The partners have mentioned the possibility of keeping me on and offering me a permanent position. I would love to work here full-time. The office is great and everyone who works there are friendly, patient and enjoyable. The research is interesting and I don't mind all of the reading. I lost my hearing my second year in University and I got through my undergraduate mostly by myself and reading everything I could get my hands on to make up for "missing" lectures (I attended every class, but I was mostly just filling the seat and staring politely at the professor). When I started law school, I began to work with sign language interpreters which was a huge help... by Christmastime anyway, at which point I had learned sign language and could understand what they were saying haha. I still had to read twice as much as my peers to keep up with lectures (it's not just being deaf - I've never been a wonderful student and I have always had to work hard to do well). 
My point is, I am used to reading a lot - more than most law students even - and this had really prepared me to do well in a research position. I like the job and I really want to keep it. This is my main goal at the moment. To have this job would give me the security I need to keep on the comedy path. Also, my parents are being affectionate towards me again! 

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Remember, Kids: Have Fun Out There!

I have had a rough few gigs in a row.  Since the Yuk Yuk's showcase, I just haven't felt myself up on stage.  Which is a shame, because that's how I was making most of my tips.  *Rim shot*

The problem is this: I have allowed my focus to shift from my main objective, which is to become a good comic.  I'm the kind of person who puts a lot of pressure on myself to do a good job in whatever it is I am doing.  This could be a fantastic quality if I were also the kind of person who is able to stop and define what a "good job" means to them in a given context.  To reverse the proverbial forest for the trees phrase; I tend not to see the trees for the forest.  I have to start focussing on the details and developing my stage presence.  Instead, I have been doing my best to hone my impression of a comic, if that makes any sense.  I am lousy at trying to be other people.

I want to be really good at this.  Being a stand up comic has always been my goal.  Through university I used to wish I could stop thinking about it and be happy at the prospect of leading a professional life as a lawyer.  I could never warm up to that idea or to shake the incessant daydreams to become a comic.  At the beginning, I set small goals and celebrated my achievements.  During my first few gigs, I was just working on going through the motions in an attempt to become comfortable on stage.  Then I got comfortable enough to think about my stage presence.  Around this time, I performed at Yuk Yuk's and any reason and logic I possess was hijacked by my imagination.  I viewed the showcase as my huge break.  Hold on Chrissie, it's certainly been a long couple of months but we're nearly there!  I stopped setting small goals and clumsily stumbled toward my goal to become a professional comic.  Not only was I setting myself up for disappointment, but I wasn't celebrating the small achievements anymore.  In short, I managed to suck all the fun out of this little adventure of mine.  And who suffers here?  My fans of course!

To me, a good comic is someone who is able to be themselves on stage and get personal and honest about themselves and their worlds.  That's where the humour is.  We are all human and while our individual experiences are of course very different, we're all so much the same.  A lot of my material focusses on my disability because that is part of the lens through which I view the world.  But my emotions are not unique and my material is relatable because of this sameness we all share.  I love it when I see a comedian like Greg Giraldo or Chris Rock who manage(d) to get up on stage and be honest and real.  What's funnier than that?  I want to slow down and focus on developing my act from the ground up.

Coming up with and writing material is easy for me.  I come from an endearingly crazy family and I am handicapped.  My comedy cup runneth over!  I do, however, seem to have had great difficulty achieving any kind of consistency in how I deliver this material.  This impediment is the result of the approach I have been taking to comedy as a profession.  I was reminded recently that I am an amateur, just starting out and I should take the opportunity to experiment now when the stakes aren't so high.  Sound advice.  So this is how I want to approach every gig from now on.  I need to experiment right now with my material and delivery.  Some of you readers might be saying to yourselves: "Well, duh - that's just common sense."  But you know what?  Nobody asked you (My Mom has a problem with this line, so I would like to add that this was a joke for anyone out there who found themselves similarly offended.  I take great pride in my nastiness and would never offend anyone unintentionally).

Monday, June 6, 2011

Ready or ... Not


In April I performed at Yuk Yuk's downtown Toronto location.  I had a decent set and spoke to a woman after the show who works for Yuk Yuk's, which led to an opportunity to perform in a showcase for Yuk Yuk's and Funny Business Inc. founder Mark Breslin.  Mark Breslin is arguably the most important man in Canadian comedy and I was thrilled to have this opportunity so early in my "career".  Not only was I excited at the prospect of actually beginning to earn a living off of comedy, it would mean having access to Yuk Yuk's clubs across Canada.  I could learn so much and develop my act on the road!  What a dream!

It turns out that's not really how the business operates.

The showcase went better than I had expected.  While my nerves got the best of me and I certainly wouldn't call it my best performance, I got laughs and I was happy with how I did.  I didn't anticipate getting to meet with Mark, but he took time to meet with any interested comics who had performed in the showcase.  I don't know what I expected him to be like, but I was very surprised at how sweet and gentle Mark was.  He took time to let me babble incoherently about my goals and comedy and answered my questions about the industry.

He asked how long I have been stand up and I said three months.  In my mind, the short amount of time I have been doing this was a positive.  Oh yeah, I'm that conceited.  I was invited to participate in the Yuk Yuk's showcase after my 9th gig (the showcase was my 15th).  Every comic develops and improves with time, but I think that where my act is currently and what I have accomplished in a short period of time is an indication of my potential.  But, I'll admit that until recently I had confused potential with being ready to perform professionally.  I'm totally ready to get paid for this, yes.  But that is because I am broke, not because I deserve to be paid for it.

Mark feels that given the short amount of time I have been doing stand up, it is too early to discuss adding me to his roster.  He said that comedy is a game measured in years, not months and that Funny Business Inc. generally looks at people seriously after their 500th gig, not their 15th.  Oh snap!

It hurt pretty bad having Mark Breslin tell me I'm basically not good enough for Yuk Yuk's right now.  To me, he is the face of Canadian comedy and somebody I really wanted to impress.  Rejection - even polite and encouraging rejection - stings.  Mark keeps a velvet glove in his office.

It hurt because I thought that I was ready.  Or at the very least, I would have done anything necessary to ensure I was ready and able to perform with the other comics on the Funny Business roster.  I keep a binder with my jokes in it.  How can a girl organized enough to have a binder possibly not be ready?  Out of all the material I have, I have about an hour's worth that I love.  It's not very polished, but that's because I haven't had the stage time to polish it.  But I know it's funny stuff.  I was thinking I could get paid to learn though, which is really silly.  I am stunned at my naivete.  As a 28 year old woman with two university degrees, working as a housekeeper and living in her parents' basement, I have become somewhat skeptical of anything that glitters.  Bottom-line - I should know better.

I really needed this experience to realize the amount of time I am going to be committing to comedy if I want to achieve my goals.  I don't remember where I read this quote but it has always stuck with me: "Sometimes we need to pause in the pursuit of happiness to just be happy."  I am having a really good time doing this.  I need to be realistic and get a job in an office that pays the bills.  But I can't believe I am actually doing stand up comedy.  It has been my dream forever and I never truly thought I would get around to doing it because the thought of standing in front of a crowd I can't hear scared the shit out of me.  And now, only three months in, I'm already getting rejected by Mark Breslin!  He knows who I am and I am name-dropping him in my very interesting comedy blog.  I have come so far and yes, I am happy.      

While I don't think I am 485 gigs away from being ready for Funny Business Inc., I do have a lot of work to do.  I think I am doing great for someone who hasn't been doing this very long; but, I certainly hope to look back on my videos a year from now, as a much more confident, mature and polished comic, and cringe at my jokes.  I cringe when I watch myself now, but that's because my face looks fat.  This is what I am thinking when I review my performances.  Perhaps another sign I'm not ready.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Top Ten Comedy Films


Well it's that time of the month again.  The staff here at Learning to Stand headquarters have come up with another Top Ten list.  May's feature is movies.  Here's a fun fact - I write screenplays.  I have found that my experience with stand up has helped me become a better screenwriter.  I want to be the next Judd Apatow, except able to make it as a stand up comic (*Zing! I totally just did).     

There are so many shitty movies out there.  Great comedies are very rare.  A lot of comedies have great premises then somehow manage to screw it up in the script or filming.  It drives me crazy to watch bad movies and  I'm one of those assholes who narrates her disgust loudly throughout the movie.  But I told you guys not to rent this.  Was I right or what?     
  
The following ten movies are, in my opinion, the funniest movies I have ever seen.  If I have failed to include a movie you find extremely funny and worthy of the list, please comment.

I had a hard time whittling my favourite funny movies down to 10, but it was even more difficult determining the order to put these films in once I had my top 10, since I love them all nearly equally. So don’t give the order much consideration. 

If you haven’t seen something on this list, you need to get on that.  The writing in each is so clever and the actors are amazing comedians. 





1.     Blazing Saddles (1974) 

Memorable Quotes:

Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we... black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake... but we're very puzzled.
---
Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape.
[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]
Bart: Stampeding cattle.
Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.
Bart: Through the Vatican?
Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinkyyyy. Sign here.
---
Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Taggart: God darnit, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.



2.     Monty Python’s Life of Brian (1979)

Memorable Quotes:

[A line of prisoners files past a jailer]
Coordinator: Crucifixion?
Prisoner: Yes.
Coordinator: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.
[Next prisoner]
Coordinator: Crucifixion?
Mr. Cheeky: Er, no, freedom actually.
Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Coordinator: Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
Coordinator: [laughing] Oh yes, very good. Well...
Mr. Cheeky: Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
---
Centurion: Where is Brian of Nazareth?
Brian: You sanctimonious bastards!
Centurion: I have an order for his release!
Brian: You stupid bastards!
Mr. Cheeky: Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Brian: What?
Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Centurion: Take him down!
Brian: I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Victim #1: Eh, I'm Brian!
Mr. Big Nose: I'm Brian!
Victim #2: Look, I'm Brian!
Brian: I'm Brian!
Victims: I'm Brian!
Gregory: I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
Victims: I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...
Brian: I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Centurion: All right. Take him away and release him.
Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!
---
[Taking the gifts from the Three Wise Men and pushing them out the door]
Brian’s mother: Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye.
[Three wise men leave]
Brian’s mother: Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.
---
Brian’s mother: He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!




3.     Borat (2006)

Memorable Quotes:

Borat: I arrived in America's airport with clothings, US dollars, and a jar of gypsy tears to protect me from AIDS.
---
Borat: You telling me the man who try to put a rubber fist in my anus was a homosexual?
---
Borat: Sometime my sister, she show her vazhĆÆn to my brother Bilo and say "You will never get this you will never get it la la la la la la." He behind his cage. He cries, he cries and everybody laughs. She goes "You never get this." But one time he break cage and he "get this" and then we all laugh. High five!
---
Borat: [referring in thought to woman speaking in feminism group] I could not concentrate on what this old man was saying.
---
Borat: The only thing keeping me going was my dream of one day holding Pamela in my arms and making romance explosion on her stomach.




4.     Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Memorable Quotes:

Harry: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip! 
Lloyd: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.
---
Airport Clerk: Sir, you can't go in there!
Lloyd: It's ok, I'm a limo driver!
---
Lloyd: What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?
Mary: Well, Lloyd, that's difficult to say. I mean, we don't really...
Lloyd: Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary: Not good.
Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary: I'd say more like one out of a million.
[pause]
Lloyd: So you're telling me there's a chance... *YEAH!*
---
 Lloyd: What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!
Harry: Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?
Lloyd: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
Harry: Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.
---
[Coming out of the 7-11]
Lloyd: Hey guys. Whoa, Big Gulps, huh? All right! Well, see ya later.


5.     Caddyshack (1980)

Memorable Quotes:

Sandy: I want you to kill every gophers on the golf course!
Carl Spackler: Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key...
Sandy: Not golfers, you great fool! Gophers! The *little* *brown*, *furry* *rodents* -!
Carl Spackler: We can do that; we don't even have to have a reason. All right, let's do the same thing, but with gophers -!
---
Danny Noonan: I planned to go to law school after I graduated, but it looks like my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.
---
Ty Webb: I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.
---
Carl Spackler: I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.


6.  Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)


Memorable Quotes:

Austin Powers: I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!
Vanessa Kensington: Did you use protection?
Austin Powers: Of course. I had my 9mm automatic.
Vanessa Kensington: You know I meant, did you use a condom?
Austin Powers: No, only sailors wear condoms baby.
Vanessa Kensington: Not in the '90s Austin.
Austin Powers: Well they should, those filthy buggers. They go from port to port.
---
Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.
---
[Filling out a form]
Austin Powers: Name? Austin Danger Powers. Sex? Yes please!
---
Basil Exposition: Austin, the Cold War is over!
Austin Powers: Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition: Austin... we won.
Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!
---
Dr. Evil: I like to see girls of that... caliber.
[Pause]
Dr. Evil: By "caliber," of course, I refer to both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters... Two meanings... caliber... it's a homonym... Forget it. 


7.  Anchorman (2004)

Memorable Quotes:

Veronica Corningstone: Take me to Pleasure Town.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, we're going there.
---
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I'm a professional, and I would like to be able to do my job.
Ron Burgundy: Big deal. I am very professional.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.
Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I am a man. I am an anchorman.
Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke.
Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
---
Ron Burgundy: Oh Audrey - I look like hell! I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league. YOU HEAR ME? AUDREY! LOOK AT ME! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Alright?
---
Ron Burgundy: I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.
[Veronica turns and walks away]
Ron Burgundy: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I... I wanna be on you.
---
Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.
Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!
Ron Burgundy: Hey, let's leave the mothers out of this.


8.  Super Troopers (2001)

Memorable Quotes:

[First lines]
College Boy 2: No, man, I'm just saying... I'm sayin', if-if you own beachfront property, right, do you own, like, the sand and the water?
College Boy 3: Nobody owns the water. God owns - it's God's water.
---
Mac: Oh, c'mon, we're like the sons you never had.
Captain O'Hagan: If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now.
Mac: Smothered me in gravy you big dirty man.
---
Farva: Hey, let's pop some Viagras and issue tickets with raging, mega-huge boners.
Thorny: You know, Farva, only you can make a dark man blush. And no, we're not doing it
---
Captain O'Hagan: I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next guy who says, " Shenanigans."
Mac: Hey Farva what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?
Farva: You mean Shenanigans?
Mac: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Thorny: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
[As they hand the Captain their pistols]
---
Thorny: Littering and... littering and... littering and smokin' the reefer.
---
Thorny: I'll give you the fat guy for Foster. And uh, how about that stupid guy for Rabbit.
Ursula: Well, you're going to have to be more specific, they're both kind of fat and stupid.
---
Mac: Your mother should've swallowed you, Rando! 


9.     Airplane (1980)

Memorable Quotes:

Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.
---
Ted Striker: It's Lieutenant Hurwitz. Severe shell-shock. Thinks he's Ethel Merman.
Lieutenant Hurwitz: [singing] You'll be swell, you'll be great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Startin' here, startin' now. Honey, everything's comin' up roses...
Ted Striker: War is hell.
---
Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.
---
Captain Oveur: Joey, have you ever been in a... in a Turkish prison?
---
Rex Kramer: [talking to Steve McCroskey] Our only hope is to build this man up. We gotta give him all the confidence we can.
[To Striker]
Rex Kramer: Striker, have you ever flown a multi-engine plane before?
Ted Striker: No, never.
Rex Kramer: [to McCroskey, with the microphone still on] Shit! This is a God damn waste of time! There's no way he can land this plane!


10.     Groundhog Day (1993)

Memorable Quotes:

Phil: I'm a god.
Rita: You're God?
Phil: I'm a god. I'm not *the* God... I don't think
---
Buster Green: If you gotta shoot, aim high. I don't wanna hit the groundhog.
---
Phil: I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank piƱa coladas. At sunset, we made love like sea otters.
[Ralph and Gus snort]
Phil: *That* was a pretty good day. Why couldn't I get *that* day over, and over, and over...
---
Phil: So, did you sleep OK without me? You tossed and turned, didn't you?
Rita: You're incredible.
Phil: Who told you?
---
Rita: Why would anybody steal a groundhog?
Larry: I can probably think of a couple of reasons... pervert.
---
Phil: This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather.
---
Rita: You're missin' all the fun! These people are great! Some of them have been partyin' all night long! They sing songs 'till they get too cold and then they go sit by the fire and they get warm, and then they come back and sing some more!
Phil: Yeah, they're hicks, Rita!