Chrissie's "Top Ten" Comics List

This list includes my current top 10 favourite comics.  Please keep in mind that in choosing which comics to include, I used a very subjective method known as my own personal opinion.  I don't care if you don't agree. Do not write shit in the comments section about how wrong my choices were and how angry and hurt you feel or threaten to kill yourself if the list isn't changed, as I have done on other lists.  You are not beautiful enough to get away with crazy.

I love these comics based equally on their material and delivery. To me, success in comedy would be to one day (dare I even say it) be nearly as good as any of them. That is my goal as a comic - to be really funny.  Not to be rich or famous, but to be an amazing comic.  While fame and money are excellent goals and can be achieved with no talent in comedy (see: Dane Cook), I would not consider myself successful unless I was truly funny.  I would consider myself a douchebag.

1.  Greg Giraldo

Comedy quotes:

One time, I was trying to get on a plane. They wouldn’t let me. They said I was too drunk to get on a plane. You know how wasted you have to be for someone to say, “Sir, you’re just too drunk to sit in a seat.”

There was this guy recently who sued his landlord because he said scalding water from the shower burned his genitals. That's a hell of a way to test the water, huh?

I didn’t think I was older until I went into an Abercrombie & Fitch and they looked at me like I was walking through a playground with my cock in my hand.

Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?

This one homeless guy came up to me the other day, and he was asking me for money. I was about to give it to him, and then I thought, 'He's just gonna use it on drugs or alcohol.' And then I thought, 'That's what I'm gonna use it on. Who am I to judge the guy, really?'

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.

2.  Doug Stanhope

Comedy quotes:

If God had intended women to prostitute themselves, he would have given them a free will and a vagina.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

[On suicide]: Life is like a movie, if you’ve sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, chances are it’s not gonna get great right at the very end and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early.

3.  Chris Rock

Comedy quotes:

Sexual harassment! What is sexual harassment?! What's the difference between sexual harassment and just being an idiot? I mean, if my father didn't harass my mother, I wouldn't be here! I mean, I understand some sexual harassment.. if a man is your boss and says, "Hey, sleep with me, or you're fired." That's sexual harassment. And that's the only thing that's sexual harassment! Everything else falls under "Just trying to get laid." You can't put a man in jail for that! I don't care how hard he tries, that's all he was trying to do! Anita Hill started this whole thing. It's all about looks, you know? Because if Clarence Thomas looked like Denzel Washington, this would have never happened! She'd be all, "Oh, stop it, Clarence, you nasty! Your fine self!" So, what's sexual harassment, when an ugly man wants some? "Oh, he ugly! Call the police! Call the authority!" 

What does daddy get for his hard work? The big piece of chicken at dinner! My mamma would kill us if one of us ate the big piece of chicken by accident! [Pretending to be his mamma]: What the... you ate the big piece of chicken! Oh, lord no! Now I gotta sew up some chicken! Give me two wings and a porkchop; Daddy won't know the difference!

Everybody is talking about gun control. Got to control the guns. Fuck, that, I like guns. If you've got a gun, you don't need to work out! Cause, I ain't working out. I ain't jogging. No, I think we need some bullet control. I think every bullet should cost five thousand dollars. Five thousand dollars for a bullet. Know why? Cos if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, there'd be no more innocent by-standers. That'd be it. Some guy'd be shot you'd be all 'Damn, he must've done something, he's got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass!' And people'd think before they shot someone 'Man I will blow your fucking head off, if I could afford it. I'm gonna get me a second job, start saving up, and you a dead man. You'd better hope I don't get no bullets on lay-away!' And even if you get shot you wouldn't need to go to the emergency room. Whoever shot you'd take their bullet back. 'I believe you got my property?'

[On Michael Jackson]: Get out here, you nutty nigga, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Did you see Michael going to court? Motherfucker going to court 20 minutes late! What kind of black man gonna go to court 20 minutes late? This ain't Barbershop 2. This is court motherfucker. And he ain't even wearing a real suit to court. Coming in there looking like Captain Crunch. Shit, who's your lawyer, Franken Berry? You better take your black ass to Banana Republic to get you a decent suit. What is up with that boy?

4.  Bill Hicks 

Comedy quotes:

They lie about marijuana: 'Marijuana makes you unmotivated.' Lie. When you're high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it's not worth the fucking effort. There's a difference.

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.

My dad will say" "I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God." And I say no, it's not, Dad. "Well, I believe that it is." Well, you know, some people believe they're Napoleon. That's fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don't share them like they're the truth.

I'm not a girl, I'm a guy you know? But at the same time, I tell ya how you can solve this abortion issue right now. Ready? Those unwanted babies that single moms leave in alleys and in dumpsters? Leave about 12 of those on the steps of The Supreme Court. This is over. Like that. "You guys said we had to have them? Then you guys...FUCKING RAISE 'EM." "Raise 'em then, you fucking fucking raise 'em. YOU raise 'em. You said I had to have it? Then it's yours. Fuck. It's yours..Take it

I am available for children's parties, by the way.

5.  Louis CK


His advice to aspiring comics: 

It's a long, long, long haul, and you just have to be onstage all the time and there's no shortcuts, except failing and failing and failing and learning from failure and not letting it get you down. And you're probably not going to make it. But you have to do it, despite that peril.

Comedy quotes:

The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.

A man will rip off your arm and throw it into a river, but he will leave you as a human being intact. He won't mess with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will shit inside of your heart.

I did that on a date once -- I was wearing a bathing suit under my pants because I didn't do laundry. She wouldn't have known except for I had that white string flapping outside of my fly. She was like, 'What do you have -- a tampon in there? What the hell's wrong with you?'

I don't know if you've ever had only five dollars in the bank, but guess what -- you can't get it out. You can't. You can visit your five dollars, you can call it on the phone, but you can't get it out.

Nobody ever wins an argument. Nobody ever goes, 'Oh, I'm wrong.' Somebody eventually just goes, 'Shut up. We gotta eat, so let's shut up for minute.'

6.  Mitch Hedberg

Comedy quotes:

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Fuck it, cut em up!"

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it

Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.                                          

7.  Maria Bamford



Comedy quotes:

Sometimes I still get a little homesick. And that's when I like to put on my Led Zeppelin CD, plug in my curling iron and just get full-on, balls-to-the-wall pretty.

Nobody's ever offered me money to have sex. Sure -- a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash.

I'm afraid that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.

Thinking about having kids, got the names picked out. They're gonna be Donut and The Golden Hen. I know what you're saying, 'How do you know they're gonna be girls?' But a mother knows.

I used to be afraid of relationships. Someone would ask me out and I'd say, 'Just take my purse, don't hurt me!'

My sister's a doctor; she's super successful.... She's a pathologist, though I like to introduce her as 'This is my sister Sarah. She cuts up the dead into chunks.

8. Daniel Tosh

Comedy quotes:

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time -- it's how I know I still have one.

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, 'I'm a bad test taker.' You mean you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? I can totally relate see, because I'm a brilliant painter minus my god awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here but once paint hits canvas I develop Parkinson's.

Big can be beautiful -- just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

9. Jeff Foxworthy 

Comedy quotes:

My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.

I believe the only thing worse than having diarrhea is trying to have it quietly in a public bathroom.

10.  John Oliver

Comedy quotes:

I'm really white. I'm English white, that's basically turbo white. My skin is borderline translucent. If I'm standing, and the sun is behind me, I'm a functioning x-ray.

Everyone has seen their dad's penis. Yes, you have. Don't do this to me, New York. Yes, you have. Yes, you have. You have seen your dad's penis. Oh, right. Raise your hands if you've seen your dad's penis. You are fucking lying to me! How am I, as a British person, the least repressed human being in this room?!

Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.

Six months ago, in Saudi Arabia, a suicide bomber managed to get close to a Saudi prince. And he did this by hiding a bomb inside him; he managed to get explosives and a detonator inside his anus. And he detonated that bomb, killing nobody -- apart from himself -- a lot. When I first heard that story, my instinctive reaction was, that is definitely the world's greatest missed opportunity for a pull my finger joke.

Knock, Knock ... Housekeeping.

I needed money, and I needed it bad. What kind of job could a deaf girl possibly get that would allow her to accommodate her fierce aspirations to be an amateur comic? That's exactly right: hotel housekeeping.

Now, I'm not doing it just because it's "sexy". I wanted a job that I didn’t have to take home with me. If I had taken a research position for example, I’d think about work non-stop. I am definitely not sitting here worrying at the back of mind whether or not I cleaned that toilet in room 214 well enough. As for alternatives to housekeeping, you'd be surprised how limited your options are when you can’t hear and aren’t willing to do real labour or work nights (because that’s when the comedy happens my babies).

My family was pretty supportive for the most part. In my parents' eyes, being gainfully employed was a huge step forward in my quest to continue living under their roof. My twin sister on the other hand, was appalled on my behalf. She interpreted my interview and on being offered the job and accepting, she had this to say on the drive home: "Just don't tell too many people. Like, don't embarrass yourself by putting it on Facebook or something." She makes me laugh that one.

I have been working at the hotel for nearly a month now. The work is actually much more exhausting than I had anticipated. I've done housekeeping once before. The summer I was 19 my sister and a friend and I all lived together in Whistler, B.C. We were "room attendants" at the Fairmont, Chateau Whistler. It was amazing and I had the time of my life. I seem to recall enjoying my job, but I was drinking and whoring a lot in those days and really shouldn't have trusted my memory. By lunchtime on my first day at the new job all the horrible memories of what housekeeping entails came flooding back. Riiiiiiight, this sucks.

In all honesty, I really don't mind the job. The pay is disgusting. Numbers as small as the one I saw on my first pay cheque make my heart hurt. However, I never have to work past 3:00pm which means work never interferes with the sporadic, unpaid gigs I get. I also really like all the girls I work with. They've been amazingly patient and dedicated to communicating with me. Emily in particular has had the biggest challenge I'm sure, since she was the woman charged with training me. I felt pretty stupid the first day. In addition to having the usual first-day jitters, I couldn't understand anyone, which made for a very awkward situation. Being deaf is enormously humbling. Which is probably for the best since I am so damn beautiful I can hardly take it.

My colleagues have also been amazingly supportive of my comedy ambitions. They are just getting to know me and they all came out to support me at a gig I did last week in Mississauga. It meant so much to me and really re-defined the whole concept of "good co-worker" for me. Way to raise to bar girls!

Next time you stay in a hotel, don't forget to tip your housekeeper. Also, please flush the toilet before you check out.

Step 2: Repeat Step 1

So I had made it on stage, but I needed to do it again. Being unfamiliar with the comedy scene, I wasn't sure where to begin. Fortunately, I stumbled upon an advertisement for Yuk Yuk's Great Canadian Laugh Off 2010. There are two ways to make it to the main competition in Toronto: you can be randomly selected through an online draw; or, you can compete in a Yuk Yuk's location's "Local Laugh-Off" and win a spot. I checked the dates for 2011 and realized that the local laugh off dates were coming up fast. I contacted every Yuk Yuk's I could by email (obviously, being deaf I can't use the phone). Here's something interesting: Almost no one in comedy will respond to emails. A very nice woman named Susan from Barrie Yuk Yuk's got back to me and booked me for their local laugh-off on March 3rd.

I was incredibly nervous getting up for the second time. Not only did I not have the support of my classmates this time around, it was a competition and I felt pressure to "up my game". Instead of sticking to the 5-minute set I had written for my first time, I wrote all new jokes. I was extremely nervous getting up in what I considered a more professional atmosphere than the student showcase. You can tell just by my delivery and how I fiddled with the mic cord, just how nervous I am. As well, I wasn't paying attention to how I was speaking into the mic, and as a result much of what I said wasn't heard. My sister was sitting in the front row and motioned for me to speak up and into the mic more. It was a great and necessary tip, but really threw me off what I was saying. I have included a clip from that set here (only a clip because my brother was filming with his iPhone again, which (unnoticed by him) stopped filming after 2 minutes.

I discovered at the end of the show that the winner was selected by round of applause to move on to the final of the local laugh-off. I didn't win that night, but Susan invited me back for the next 2 Thursdays so I could try again. The next 2 shows I was sure to bring out lots of people for support. I won a chance to move on to the final on that second Thursday, which was St. Patrick's Day (my 5th time performing overall). I was really happy with my performance, because I felt a lot less nervous than in past shows and I started having a bit more fun with my material. I hate this video because it's stretched out (my boyfriend didn't caption the original; he captioned the video my brother had uploaded to YouTube). Somehow some technical stuff happened that ended up making me look fat. I am not fat, I am chubby. This had to be said. I didn't want to upset my legions of fans. I am also horrified that I stood with my legs wide apart. In addition to looking fat, I come off as manish. I intended neither. Now you may watch the video....

Overall, I was able to perform 4 times at Yuk Yuk's in Barrie, which I am incredibly grateful for, for a couple of reasons. One reason of course was just the opportunity to get to perform. The second reason is that I wrote new stuff for each Thursday so I had nearly 20 minutes of jokes by the end of March; not bad for 6 weeks out of the gate.

Unfortunately, I did not win the final round of the Barrie Laugh-Off. I was beat by the very funny Lianne Mauladin. I wish her the best of luck in Toronto on April 24. She's cool and polished, and I think she has a great chance of winning the whole thing. I hope I can become as comfortable as her on stage because her laid back approach to comedy really adds to her already-funny material.

The final was a really good experience, but I regret not using my "best" material. I'm not saying that I could've won had I used it, but I can't help but feeling like I wasted a great opportunity. A competition is no place to try new material. I'm not sure why I put pressure on myself to have new jokes each night. At the time, I thought because people had seen the stuff at that location before, that I should have something new. But I ended up trying new material each round of a competition, which was pretty stupid. I am learning more and more now each time I repeat jokes that I learn what works and doesn't for certain things. I notice where my timing with material often makes a huge difference. Even where I have changed/removed/added words to different bits, really impacts how the crowd receives it. It is so important to learn these lessons and you can only do so by repeating stuff on stage.

But I'm learning!

Step 1: Get up on stage

I wanted to start this blog to chronicle my experiences as an amateur comic. However, as anyone who has tried stand-up knows, it can be a daunting exercise in constant humiliation. Who wants to chronicle that? Well, I'm throwing my hat in the ring.

I am 28 years old and I have recently started making the rounds in the stand-up comedy world in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. 

I have wanted to be a stand-up comic since I realized it was a job. I remember watching Jim Carrey’s Molson Canadian special with my grandparents as a kid and they both laughed so hard they were both crying. I wanted to be so funny I made grown-ups weep too.

I got up on stage for the first time in 2003 - my freshman year of university. I was asked to host a culture show on campus and to "try to be funny". I had my moments and I was hooked. Unfortunately, I suffer from a genetic disorder called NF2, which includes bilateral acoustic neuromas (benign tumors on both hearing nerves). I lost my hearing completely a couple of months after the culture show. As a result, I lost all confidence to get back on stage and pursue comedy.

Despite losing my hearing over the summer, I returned to school in the fall and continued my undergraduate degree at the University of Western Ontario. Upon graduation in 2006, I went on to law school at Osgoode Hall at York University. I thought that with my disability, it would be best to get as much education as I could so people would take me seriously. I failed to take into account that I actually didn't want to be a lawyer. I loved telling people I was in law school, sure. I loved how proud my parents were and the shopping money from OSAP was amazing! But law school itself was a horrible experience where I felt like a huge phony the entire time.

After 7 years of university, 2 degrees and a lot of debt, I still couldn't kick the desire to do comedy. My parents pleaded with me to stick with the lawyer licensing process. So I did, and hated every minute of it.  Also, I couldn't seem to get a firm to hire me. So I spent a year applying for articling positions and interviewing with different firms. I was rejected over and over and over.  The rejection was due solely to my disability.  This is a clear-cut case of discrimination.  Yes, I am disgusted too!  (Lol okay, probably not the reason I couldn't get a job, but it's very comforting to tell myself this).    

To add insult to injury, I have been living in my parents' basement since graduation. Glamorous, I know.

  

All the while, I hadn't shut up about wanting to try comedy. Fortunately, my amazing boyfriend Stuart put his money where my mouth is. This past Christmas he bought me stand-up comedy classes at the Second City in Toronto, which ended with each student performing 5 minutes at the Absolute Comedy Club. A lot of people will say that you can't teach comedy; but I disagree. By creating an environment that allows wannabe comics to discuss their own material and try it out in front of a supporting group of classmates, is a learning curve in itself. I definitely got a lot of the class and would recommend it to anyone. My class was taught by comedian Evan Carter who is just an amazingly helpful and patient guy. He's also a very funny clean comic so check him out! It was great getting to talk through comedy as a profession and learn how to develop material with my fellow classmates. I found myself immersing all of my time and energy into my comedy fantasy and becoming more and more convinced that I could really do it.

My first show (the Second City student showcase on February 13, 2011), was all it took for me to bail on my half-hearted commitment to becoming a lawyer. My dad had made thinly-veiled threats about my living situation being conditional on my pursuit of my lawyer license. But I am an adult dammit. I do what I want, when I want and I'm not scared of my dad. I waited until he and my mom were out of town for a month and withdrew from the Law Society's licensing process. Take that Papa Cunningham! (He can't use a computer so I can be as independent as I want on this blog. It's so liberating!)

I hope that by being completely honest about the whole experience, I can show readers a side to comedy they likely don’t consider when they themselves watch comics perform.  I would also love to see the blog become a forum for discussion for fellow amateur comics to share their experiences.  I write about my own individual experience, which of course includes the obstacles my disability presents.  For example, I point out where I feel my deafness helps and hinders my confidence on stage.  But, I want the main theme of the blog to be my inexperience as a comic, not as a deaf comic.  

I am including the video of my first show here. Thanks to my brother Shaun for thinking to film it with his iPhone, and to my boyfriend Stuart for captioning it for me (and of course other deaf viewers).

I felt amazing after my first show. Maybe because I had to drink 4 Coor's Light to get up beforehand, but also because I didn't completely bomb like I had anticipated. While on stage, I was mostly concerned with trying to speak clearly and to remember my material. The most difficult thing for me with performing, is that since I am deaf, I can't really feed off the crowd's reaction to my jokes. The stage lights are blinding so I am limited to seeing (and relying on) the front row's reaction. I am very appreciative of two girls who happened to be sitting in the front row and laughing very hard. Their very generous performance fueled my confidence in my material and got me through that first gig.

Regardless of where I manage to go with my comedy, I am forever grateful to Evan Carter; the Second City; my classmates; the enthusiastic support of my friends and family; my dad for finally coming around; and, my boyfriend Stuart for footing my class bill and interpreting everything in ASL.

I would like to encourage any fellow amateur comics to please post their experiences on here as well. There's the good, the bad and the ugly. We'll experience all of these on stage, but that's the nature of the comedy beast. The great thing about humiliation is that, with enough time, it always becomes funny. Best of luck to everyone else out there giving comedy a shot. Have fun and take all the laughs you can get!